Disclaimer: I just want to get this out, I guess just because I feel this way and I half hope that someone reads this just so that there's someone out there who knows how I feel, maybe they'd want to talk to me and I could talk to them and then I wouldn't feel so bad. I half hope that no one reads it because I'm afraid of what might happen if someone does. I don't want pity and I don't want anyone to feel bad, I just need to get it out of my system so I can think about something else.

Sometimes it hurts really, really bad. I hear my friends having fun doing things that I can't do and it really, really hurts. I want to but it's like I'm suddenly uninvited because people forget about me. They don't care enough to remember that I made plans and I was supposed to be there too. I put up this front like it was my choice not to go out, but really, it's because she didn't remember or maybe she just didn't care enough. It's happened so many times. When I was living on M3 I used to hear everyone getting dressed, drunk, and ready to go out. They would even ask me about their outfits and then tell me how much fun they had the next day, but they never invited me. At the end of last year Silva told me that she never invited me out because she thought that I didn't party. She always saw me doing work on Thursday nights, but it's because I had nothing better to do. And when I lived with Amelia I was only invited as an after thought, if I was invited at all. It was like I would see everyone getting ready and right before they were about to leave or once everyone was drunk someone would say "Amber, why aren't you coming with us?" It never really meant anything but it always hurt. Now it's like... I sent Aller a text last weekend and told her I wanted to go to the club this week. She said she was going out Wednesday and that I should come and bring my friends. I talked to Becky and we were excited because we had never been to Diva's. Then Wednesday came around and people were talking about how they kept getting asked to go out that night, and saying they were being "forced" to go out. I wasn't and I know why. Now that Nicholle is around it's pretty obvious that I won't be invited out anymore because it would be an awkward situation and since she's Aller's girlfriend it's a choice between her and me, and she wins. It's always going to be Nicholle. I though I was having lunch with everyone yesterday and then Nicholle showed up so there was that choice, which meant that I was being ditched because Nichole or Aller or whoever didn't feel comfortable sitting with me. And it's not like I really wouldn't sit with her, I mean I would suck it up if it meant that I wasn't being ditched, but that's how it always is. Last year I had tricked myself into thinking that Amelia's friends were my friends too. We all used to hang out at school, but that was it. It's just because I happened to live with Amelia that anyone talked to me, and as soon as I was gone they were gone too. It really really hurts to always be that person, the disposable one. I'm never actually anyone's friend, I'm just the one that happens to be around so people will hang out with me until there's a time that they have to choose, and I'm never the one that's chosen. It feels like that time my mom was making dinner, got tied up in that, and forgot to pick me up from my soccer game. I was the last one there, sitting with my coach, and I could tell he felt sorry for me because I had been forgotten. I hate the soccer game feeling. It happens more and more, and it's always with people that I really like, people that I really care about. Every time it happens I pretend that it was my decision not to go out or do whatever it was that I wasn't invited to, even if it was something that I was invited to and then forgotten about. When I go home I know that those people are my real friends. They don't forget me because they actually want me t be around. I'm not an after thought with them. It's the same thing in New Jersey. Sometimes I'll get a text saying come do whatever tonight and it's cute because I'm not even there, I don't even live there so it's not like they feel like they have to invite me, but they do and I like it. With those groups of friends I get invited to do things and people actually care. They check and say are you still coming, or if I'm not there someone will call because they actually noticed that I wasn't there so they call to see where I am because they truly want me to be there. I don't want anyone to be my soccer coach. I hate it when people are like "poor Amber, look at what a sad pathetic person she is, no one likes her and she so pathetic that she has to trick herself into feeling like people do like her just to keep herself from feeling bad, when it all falls down and she realizes that people don't care she has to put up this front stop her from feeling bad, she's such a sad sad person, poor amber, she's always tricking herself so that she doesn't feel bad".

I'm not going to feel that way anymore. I've got this out of my system now and I can move on. I've realized the reality of the situation, the truth of it all, so now I can move past it without the pain. I've done this too many times and I won't make the same mistakes again. ...I'm really just lying to myself and putting up a front again.