Disclaimer: I just want to get this out, I guess just because I feel this way and I half hope that someone reads this just so that there's someone out there who knows how I feel, maybe they'd want to talk to me and I could talk to them and then I wouldn't feel so bad. I half hope that no one reads it because I'm afraid of what might happen if someone does. I don't want pity and I don't want anyone to feel bad, I just need to get it out of my system so I can think about something else.

Sometimes it hurts really, really bad. I hear my friends having fun doing things that I can't do and it really, really hurts. I want to but it's like I'm suddenly uninvited because people forget about me. They don't care enough to remember that I made plans and I was supposed to be there too. I put up this front like it was my choice not to go out, but really, it's because she didn't remember or maybe she just didn't care enough. It's happened so many times. When I was living on M3 I used to hear everyone getting dressed, drunk, and ready to go out. They would even ask me about their outfits and then tell me how much fun they had the next day, but they never invited me. At the end of last year Silva told me that she never invited me out because she thought that I didn't party. She always saw me doing work on Thursday nights, but it's because I had nothing better to do. And when I lived with Amelia I was only invited as an after thought, if I was invited at all. It was like I would see everyone getting ready and right before they were about to leave or once everyone was drunk someone would say "Amber, why aren't you coming with us?" It never really meant anything but it always hurt. Now it's like... I sent Aller a text last weekend and told her I wanted to go to the club this week. She said she was going out Wednesday and that I should come and bring my friends. I talked to Becky and we were excited because we had never been to Diva's. Then Wednesday came around and people were talking about how they kept getting asked to go out that night, and saying they were being "forced" to go out. I wasn't and I know why. Now that Nicholle is around it's pretty obvious that I won't be invited out anymore because it would be an awkward situation and since she's Aller's girlfriend it's a choice between her and me, and she wins. It's always going to be Nicholle. I though I was having lunch with everyone yesterday and then Nicholle showed up so there was that choice, which meant that I was being ditched because Nichole or Aller or whoever didn't feel comfortable sitting with me. And it's not like I really wouldn't sit with her, I mean I would suck it up if it meant that I wasn't being ditched, but that's how it always is. Last year I had tricked myself into thinking that Amelia's friends were my friends too. We all used to hang out at school, but that was it. It's just because I happened to live with Amelia that anyone talked to me, and as soon as I was gone they were gone too. It really really hurts to always be that person, the disposable one. I'm never actually anyone's friend, I'm just the one that happens to be around so people will hang out with me until there's a time that they have to choose, and I'm never the one that's chosen. It feels like that time my mom was making dinner, got tied up in that, and forgot to pick me up from my soccer game. I was the last one there, sitting with my coach, and I could tell he felt sorry for me because I had been forgotten. I hate the soccer game feeling. It happens more and more, and it's always with people that I really like, people that I really care about. Every time it happens I pretend that it was my decision not to go out or do whatever it was that I wasn't invited to, even if it was something that I was invited to and then forgotten about. When I go home I know that those people are my real friends. They don't forget me because they actually want me t be around. I'm not an after thought with them. It's the same thing in New Jersey. Sometimes I'll get a text saying come do whatever tonight and it's cute because I'm not even there, I don't even live there so it's not like they feel like they have to invite me, but they do and I like it. With those groups of friends I get invited to do things and people actually care. They check and say are you still coming, or if I'm not there someone will call because they actually noticed that I wasn't there so they call to see where I am because they truly want me to be there. I don't want anyone to be my soccer coach. I hate it when people are like "poor Amber, look at what a sad pathetic person she is, no one likes her and she so pathetic that she has to trick herself into feeling like people do like her just to keep herself from feeling bad, when it all falls down and she realizes that people don't care she has to put up this front stop her from feeling bad, she's such a sad sad person, poor amber, she's always tricking herself so that she doesn't feel bad".

I'm not going to feel that way anymore. I've got this out of my system now and I can move on. I've realized the reality of the situation, the truth of it all, so now I can move past it without the pain. I've done this too many times and I won't make the same mistakes again. ...I'm really just lying to myself and putting up a front again.

Some updates: good and bad
1. Need to get this off my chest: I hate when people personify eating disorders.  What a wannrexic cry for attention.  I don't call mine Bipdi or Genan. Maybe if I could make the names into average people names I would. No, no it's still stupid. I've seen a lot of girls in communities here doing that and it gets old fast.
2. We had a mock wedding today to celebrate the legality of gay marriage in CT. It was so much fun.  I married Ashley ,and Jen E married Aller.
3. Yesterday I found out that the people who are giving me a loan think I'm a terrorist (my loan is on a patriot act verification hold) and that I can't sign up for classes on time which means I won't get the classes I need to graduate AND today I found out my school reported me to the collection agency and that I have to pay the costs for Credit Bureau reporting and collection.
4. I've been having the weirdest dreams!!

November 3rd
I had a dream last night and it was really funny/strange so I wanted to share.
I was living in Florida next door to one of my good childhood friends, Ashley, but it wasn't really my house. Whatever, anyway, she invited me to swim in her pool so I got changed and went over but suddenly there was a hurricane and she had left to go to dinner and didn't tell me. =[ Mind you, we haven't seen each other since high school and we didn't actually live next door to each other. The next day I was graduating from prep school. My friend Bryan had graduated the year before me (he's actually younger than I am) but I didn't like the people at my school so I got him a cap and gown and convinced him to walk with me. I was walking to graduation with some girl, I guess she was my friend but I can't remember who she was. She screamed "Oh my God, Hanson!!" and Zach told her "We get that all the time, please stop." And I said "It's ok, we just like you guys a lot. My friend went to see you the other day (which Jen did, but in CT) and she said you were great." Then Zach said "But you didn't go to our concert. Cool." So I told him I didn't know about the concert but I would have gone and told him that I've liked him since I was 13 but they kept walking away. They were jerks so I said "My friend got your drumstick. She fought for it because she loves you!" and Zach laughed because he thought it was cool. Then I got to our graduation which was in Ashley's back yard and I made Bryan stand in line with me. When they called my name we walked across the stage together and I thought it was weird that no one noticed him before because he's reeeeeally tall. We couldn't stop laughing, even when our principal was yelling at us because it was hysterical. Great dream. Loved it.

November 11th
I've been having really weird dreams lately because of my new sleeping pills and I had a dream that you (Kevin Marzi) were in the passenger seat of a car and me and my friend were walking by so you called us over and wanted us to get an apartment with you and your friends in Arizona.

November 12th
Last night I had another strange dream, one that I want to remember forever. It was great.
Part I
I was sitting at my desk at my computer looking at the responses people left to my post on Blackboard.  I was the first to post and I wasn’t sure if I did it right but in my dream I had a comment from my professor saying that I explained it perfectly but anyone else could have gotten that answer because it was very generic.  Confusing.  Then I went outside and I saw Aller’s ex-girlfriend Sara.  Sara looked really happy and told me she had to tell me a secret.  I thought she was going to say something about some boy but she said that she and Aller got back together and everything was perfect.  They were really happy and they weren’t fighting and I knew that Aller was truly in love with her.  Then Shelby walked by and waved and I turned to look away so Sara looked over her shoulder and asked who I was looking at.  When I looked back no one was there.
Part II
I was in a forest, a magical type forest that looks like faeries should be flying around in it, and I was walking in a clearing near a stream with Vanessa, Leilah, and a few other people. Leilah wandered too close to the stream and fell in. We all panicked and ran to the edge but the water was going to fast and we couldn't get her. Suddenly a huge penguin swam up under her kind of like a dolphin and picked her up on his back! He swam around the stream in a circle because apparently this fast flowing stream had no beginning or end, and then dropped Leilah off where she had fallen in... and then she fell in again! It kept happening over and over again. When I woke up I was just smiling because it was all so silly.

First off, I'm sorry to everyone I've hurt.  It's like I left my diary out and someone picked it up then passed it on. It was never meant to hurt anyone since I thought it was a private outlet for my eyes only.
I've been hurt so badly for the past year and held it all in, dealing with it privately because when I confronted my problems I was never taken seriously. I'm sick of being treated like this. I'm done. I'm going on hiatus.

Edit: I retract that apology and am making the post absolutely public now. Check June 19th.

6_19_08  12:15 PM  Private

“Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over.” Three Libras by A Perfect Circle

I felt like this when Kait would ditch me for people in high school, her “cool” friends like Hillary, Arch, & Andrea, or the lifeguards she knew.  Then I linked this song to Will, his drinking/drug problems and all of the let down that came with it.  Now it’s back, and it’s someone I never expected would treat me so shitty.

Back up to a year ago.  Ziggy and I have always planned our own birthday parties and as usual she planned her 20^th.  She was so amazing to me that year.  We connected on everything, had fun all the time, and she had really opened up and started to become this social butterfly, which was great since I have so much social anxiety.  When she wasn’t doing homework she kept me company while I didn’t do homework, which was often.  She met my friend Alex and somehow, I had never even thought about how perfect they were for each other.  Alex was in a relationship with this girl that he really didn’t care about and he was starting to become very flirty with Zig. I should have seen it from the beginning but I didn’t realize what an amazing relationship they had coming.  For Zig’s birthday I was so happy about how everything was between us and how great our lives were so I wanted to show her how much I appreciated her friendship.  I wanted to get her the perfect birthday gift… so I got her tickets to see her favorite band Incubus.

Fast forward 6 months to my 21^st birthday.  Ziggy is now obsessed with Alex.  They are head over heels in love, which does make people do stupid things, but she was out right blowing me off for him.  Alex is pretty amazing so 2 of the times he realized that she was blowing me off for him he fixed the situation.  One time he found off that she blew off my movies plans to go with him, so he refused to go with her… and she showed up at my house and was actually UPSET that she had to go with me!  Another time she blew me off when we were supposed to go to Vegas and butted into Alex’s plans when it was supposed to be a guy’s night for him.  He heard me on the phone asking her when she was going to show up, because she doesn’t event cancel, she just never tells me and then ignores my calls.  He changed their plans so that we could all hang out at Vegas together.  Alex saves the day again. =] 

On my 21^st birthday they were the only 2 people in CT who had said anything about wanting to go out with me, and I’m pretty sure Zig was only interested because Alex was.  All of my friends in New Jersey wanted me to have a party.  Most of them were 21, my best friend had gotten me tickets to see Deep Banana the Saturday before my b-day, told me she wanted to throw a party for me at her house, and my boyfriend had make ridiculously romantic and thoughtful plans for me to have my dream birthday date in the city.  I was finally legal and I wanted to go to bars where people would card me in the city I love.  Needless to say I went to New Jersey for the week and Zig was bitchy about it.  I’m pretty sure Kait was the influence here, talking shit about me again.  She was mad that I didn’t invite her to the concert; it was a present from another friend and not my place to invite other people, plus it was sold out.  She told me the night of my NY party that she wasn’t coming, too much of a hassle, and she wasn’t coming to NJ, again, another hassle, which I totally understood.  What right did she have to be mad at me though?  I wasn’t blowing anyone off and no one had even attempted to plan something for me in CT.  Alex was the only one of age who had even suggested anything.  Should I have stayed in CT to spend my birthday with him?

Now she’s at St. Joes, only going there so she can be close to Alex.  She basically treated St. Joes like it was a joke.  She took 3 classes and a gym while I was taking 6 and felt like it was ok to complain to me all the time about how hard her work was or much she had to do.  She barely made an effort to pass those classes.  I had no sympathy and would have appreciated it if I wasn’t being bothered all the time with this crap.  I actually had a lot of work to do and I was serious about doing well this time around.  When I asked her to hang out or went to her room I had that thrown in my face; I could bother her but she couldn’t bother me. She was never busy!  She was always watching TV or playing on her computer and on the rare occasion that she was actually doing something I asked if she wanted to work together or left her alone.  Bullshit.  Her obsession with Alex got worse too.  Now if she’s with him she just flat out ignores me.  “Wanna go to dinner?” No answer.  I asked her once about constantly ignoring me when she was with him and she put me down like I was pathetic for being hurt by her ignoring me.  She was with her boyfriend, obviously I should know that he is God and me being upset that she’d ignore me while she’s with God is childish and sad.  Oh Amber, your boyfriend lives a few hundred miles away.  You are so sad.  You’d never understand how close Alex and I are and that we love each other so much that nothing else matters.  She seriously had the nerve to complain to me if she didn’t see him one day.  “It’s been so long!” “You saw him yesterday.” “You don’t understand, I’m with him everyday, it’s really hard to be away from him.”  Get over it!  Get your own life.  Don’t complain to me when your boyfriend says you’re suffocating him and certainly do not tell me that it’s hard to be away from the person you love.

Now school is out and summer has started and we’re working at Aetna together.  I’m basically sick of her by now.  I got her a job that she takes for granted.  You’re working at a real company now where people expect you to be on time and leave at the right time without treating you like a child.  They expect you to do work, or at least try to find work rather than letting people assume you’re busy since you haven’t told them otherwise. We have different work ethic.  It’s like it was at school except I have to count on her for a ride, work with her on projects, and be with her for 8 hours every damn day.  It’s like school but worse.  I have to do her work and my own because she’s incompetent and lazy.  I have to hear her complain about being bored while she gets paid to slack off and makes no effort to find any work.  And I am late for work every f*cking day because she cannot figure out that waking up earlier might give us a chance of being on time.  I get annoyed by the comics, pictures, and articles she sends all day long that interrupt me while I’m trying to work.  I told her this and she got defensive and accused me of doing the same thing.  I send you maybe one or two news articles a day and probably wouldn’t even do that if I knew you were actually working.  I’m sorry, am I interrupting that book that you so obviously read at your desk all day long, which makes your co-workers see that you shouldn’t even be here.  They’re paying you to do nothing and you complain about it, rub it in a little more.

So her 21^st birthday comes around.  She’s complaining, yet again, about the fact that she’s going to have to throw her own party again because Alex hasn’t made any plans for her yet.  I told her I had made all the plans and prove it by posting it on facebook and having her invite everyone.  The invitations are the second thing to annoy me.  You complain about Kait constantly and have told me you’re happy she can’t come to the bars but then you invite her.  Don’t invite underage people to your 21^st birthday!  She had a few people on her list that she claims to hate and even more that are under 21.  I wonder if people know that she talks more shit than anyone else I know.  Make fun of people and talk about how annoying they are all day long but then act fake as hell and invite them to your birthday party.  Ziggy is perfect and everyone loves her because she can do know wrong.  She’s the perfect virginal girl with an over bearing mom who works so hard to please everyone and can never do enough.  Bullshit.  If you worked half as hard as you claim to, or had any drive towards doing something that takes effort then maybe I wouldn’t think your “life goals” are such a joke and maybe your boyfriend wouldn’t worry that you’re not going anywhere in your life.  You take the easy way out because you don’t want to do anything and I can predict your future perfectly.  She liked the idea of a bar crawl and was happy that she didn’t have to make plans, or so she said.  Sarah tells me that Zig has been complaining because the plains I made don’t include her under 21 friends. I OFFERED TO THROW HER A PARTY SO HER UNDERAGE FRIENDS COULD COME AND SHE SAID SHE DIDN’T CARE AND WAS ACTUALLY GLAD THEY COULDN’T COME SO SHE DIDN’T WANT ANOTHER PARTY. Lies on top of lies to make yourself look good in everyone’s eyes when really you could care less.  The day of her birthday arrives and no one can get a hold of her.  Sarah is upset because she told Zig she was in Hartford the night before but Zig still didn’t take the hint and invite her to meet up for a drink because she was out with Alex and his friends.  Tell us that we’re worthless and maybe we would have more respect for you.  You obviously could care less about the people who care about you.  I made these plans for you when you said no one else was, you lied and told me you were so excited and then blew me off yet again.  The plans were set to being at 4 and Zig is MIA.  At 6 she sends me a text, knowing that my phone is off, saying she’s at dinner with Alex and can’t talk because he’s getting mad.  Boo-f*cking-hoo.  He knew about all of these plans, you spent all day and the night before with him, and yet he made alternate plans.  You could have at least had the courtesy of letting everyone else know that plans had changed, and then maybe people would have gone out with you.  We assumed you were ditching us, which wasn’t far fetched and turned out to be true so we didn’t get ready to go out.  At 8 you finally grace me with a call.  Wow, I feel special.  I made all these plans and you’re so ungrateful that you f*cked it up and made it so that I couldn’t go.  Sweet.  And then, after going out with your boyfriend and his friends a second night in a row for your birthday and ditching your own friends who want to see you and can, you have the nerve to be mad at us.  You f*cked up.  We made plans and you screwed us over because God planned something else and f*cked up all of it.  And your boyfriend, showing how mature he can be, has changed colors.  After f*cking up the plans I made in an attempt to prove that he’s not a dick after screwing up your anniversary, he posts on your event wall about how we all missed out.  I really wanted to know that the time I spent planning this was ruined and that I couldn’t see you on your birthday.  Your boyfriend is insensitive and you are an ungrateful liar.

Today you text me, again knowing that my cell is off, and I don’t respond which is a big sign that I didn’t receive it, and tell me you’re not picking me up for work.  I stand there waiting like I do everyday and make my regular 7:55 call to remind you that we’re late again and that’s when I find out you’re not even coming.  Another inconsiderate act by an irresponsible person.  She text me at 5:30 and I hadn’t responded then again at 6:30, what, assuming I turned my phone on just to wait for your text?? You knew it was off you idiot.  I never answered.  That didn’t make you think “maybe I should call her to make sure she knows”?  I missed an hour and a half of work and had to scramble to find a ride because of you.  Polaske said that I’ve dealt with this for much longer than he would.  A friend who lies, talks shit, make no effort to do anything with you, takes you for granted, blows you off, insensitively complains about everything that is 10 times worse for you, throws away all of her morals, has no drive to do anything in life, and so on… he would have stopped being your friend long ago.  Loyalty should not be the only tie.  I have been your friend while you have treated me like shit for the past year and I’m sick of it.  What if I’m not there for you when Alex dumps you?  Maybe then, after all of your pain you will see the way you’ve treated me and your other friends and realize that this guy who dumped you is in fact not God.  Yea right.

New Jersey allows same-sex unions!

connecticut next please!